Office life is strange. It’s an artificial world of people thrown together from different backgrounds, with different outlooks on life, and different ways of getting things done. It’s like taking full-grown feral cats from Newcastle, Manchester, London and Bournemouth, sticking them all in a room and telling them to share the big lump of tuna in the middle of the floor nicely. Of course, it would be carnage. And that, friends, is exactly what the office is like.
So how can you best annoy your fellow co-workers? It’s simple!
Hit reply all to a group-wide email – usually about tube strikes or the like – expressing your thanks for the information. Literally, just replying to everyone in the address book with ‘thanks’. If someone’s beat you to it, reply all to their expression of thanks with ‘ditto.’
Guaranteed to clog inboxes aplenty!
Not filling the kettle up after you leave the kitchen with your giant Sports Direct mug is an excellent way to ensure people loathe and resent you. After all, you’re a busy business man/woman, you don’t have the three literal seconds it would take to ensure the next person has their kettle water warm and ready!
Now, there are two ways of going about this. The first is risky, but simply help yourself to what’s on offer! Not in the mood to leave the office, and can’t be bothered to wake up fifteen minutes earlier to prepare your own meal? The fridge is like your own free buffet full of curries, pastas, and salads. Sometimes you can pinch an ice cold can of Coke or a pot of chocolate dessert. All the (fridge) light touches, is your kingdom.
The easier way is to make your own lunch and store it in a coolbag which takes up at least 33.3% of the fridge, leaving everyone else to cram their lunch into the remaining space. Never mind the fact your coolbag would remain frozen sitting beside your desk, this isn’t about that at all.
Everyone loves music, and everyone loved YOUR music. Whether it’s folk-rock or gypsy punk, have a small portable radio on loud enough to not cause a complaint and chill out to those dulcet tones. Even better, turn it on just as you have a three hour board meeting leaving everyone to enjoy it in your absence.
If you see someone on the phone and you have something to say to them, ensure you try to communicate this message while they’re on the line. This teaches people focus and multitasking. Don’t write notes, use simple hand gestures and mouth words slowly and deliberately. When finished, ensure you give them a thumbs up!
BONUS!! Be unwell
Look, you’re an important business person, right? The world WILL stop without you. So if you’re ill – bonus if it’s contagious – come in to work. Forget your tissues, sneeze into your hand and ask to use your colleague’s phone. Sneeze over the kitchen cutlery and cough in crowds a lot. They. Will. Love it.