Oh Dave, will you ever learn? And why festivals ar...

Oh Dave, will you ever learn? And why festivals are not for me

So, Dave Grohl has knackered his leg and has cancelled Glastonbury after having six metal pins inserted into the bone after he fell about 12 feet off stage, ‘snapping [his] fibula like an old pair of take-out chopsticks’.

I mean, good on him for carrying on when it broke and finishing his set, but it must be gutting for those who only thought about attending the iconic sludge-fest for Foo Fighters. What will they do now? Endure Kanye West and hope for the best?

festivals suck

I’ve been to a few festivals in my time, moshing along with the crowds to Placebo, Queens of the Stone Age, Pearl Jam and quite inexplicably gypsy punk band Gogol Bordello and their weird purple-wearing fans. In fairness, they were hilarious.

But I’m just not interested any more. Call me old, call me grandma, call me boring, but I’m kinda done with having noodles thrown into the crowd and people weeing in bottles before hurling them all over the place. I’m kinda bored with weeing in a catastrophically dangerous unhygienic portaloo while attention-seeking girls urinate in the bushes using their SheWees because OMG LOOK HOW FUN WE ARE GUYS!!11!1

It’s insane how much of my festival hate is urinary-based.

I’m even more done with ‘festival style’ and ridiculous glamping prices for those who can afford for someone not to vomit on your tent as you sleep.

festivals suck1

Worse, I’ve seen my share of police breaking up fist fights and people getting crushed in crowds, being pulled aside by frantic emergency service teams who could be spending their time helping people who actually need it. Pryers solicitors have created an infographic highlighting just how dangerous festivals can be, especially for the uninitiated.

festival graphic

Firstly, anyone who crowd surfs deserves to lose their shoes and will more than likely end up in A&E. YOU’RE RELYING ON DRUNK PEOPLE TO LIFT YOUR FLIMSY BODY.

As mentioned, getting crushed in the crowd – yep. Seen it happen. Projectiles – both bottle and vomit – are abundant. And organisers want me to pay £300 for the privilege?

It’s just the cons man. The cons outweigh any pros. By far.

I definitely won’t be going this year. Or any year. I’m totally ok with Spotify and no doubt the endless Periscope broadcasts people will be showing. I’m totally fine with that.

Festivals just aren’t for me. Perhaps this is what it means to be a grown up?